He said it was just a preference. Just his "type". But behind that throwaway line was a childhood of shame, a culture of rejection, and a dating world built on who's allowed to be loved — and who's told to shrink, silence, or starve for it.

We've all seen it.

"No fats, no femmes."
"No blacks, no Asians."
"Must be masc."
"Just a preference."

It's said like it's harmless. Like it's honest. Like it's not steeped in centuries of erasure, rejection, and survival.

But here's the hard truth: a lot of what we call 'preferences' in the gay world… is actually unhealed trauma.

And the more we normalise it, the less chance we have of finding the kind of love that doesn't just look good in a mirror — but actually makes us feel safe in our skin.

So let's talk about it. The beauty myth. The body bias. The anti-fem smear campaign. The quiet racism. The real reason so many of us can't find love — even when it's staring us right in the face.

"It's Just My Type" – Or Is It?

We're conditioned to believe that preferences are innocent.

Tall. Short. Hairy. Smooth. Muscular. Slim.
And yes, everyone has their leanings. No one's saying desire can be dictated.

But there's a difference between "I usually go for…" and "You're not valid unless…"

Because when you filter entire groups of people out before you've even spoken a word — that's not preference. That's prejudice dressed in a tighter t-shirt.

Where It Comes From

Let's get raw. Because these 'preferences' didn't come out of nowhere.

Many of us grew up in environments where:

• Masculinity was glorified and femininity was mocked

• Fatness was ridiculed and associated with failure

• Whiteness was idealised, and anything else was "exotic" or "not my scene"

• The only visible gay men were chiselled, cheeky, and white

So, to survive? We adapted.
We chased approval. We learned what was "desirable". We edited ourselves — and started judging others by the same narrow lens.

We made "masc for masc" a badge of honour.
We praised guys for "not looking gay."
We learned to hate anything that reminded us of… ourselves.

That's internalised shame. And it's deadly to connection.

The Damage It Does

This culture of exclusion doesn't just hurt the people being rejected — it poisons all of us.

Here's how:

• It makes dating robotic – Like you're shopping for a sofa, not meeting a soul.

• It keeps us lonely – Because we're so busy hunting the fantasy, we overlook the humans.

• It fuels body dysmorphia and eating disorders – Especially among gay men chasing an impossible ideal.

• It breaks down community – When we divide ourselves by race, body, masculinity, we stop being a community at all.

And worse — it convinces us that this is normal.

"But I Can't Help Who I'm Attracted To!"

You can't help a first impulse.
But you can interrogate it.

Attraction isn't static. It's shaped — by media, by trauma, by patriarchy, by porn.
And if your "type" just so happens to exclude:

• Anyone over 30

• Anyone over a size medium

• Anyone femme-presenting

• Anyone not white

Then it's worth asking: Is that really you talking? Or is that the voice of everything you were told was acceptable?

No one's asking you to date someone you're not into.
But maybe it's time to check if your taste… is actually your wound.

The Femmephobia Problem

Let's call it what it is: some of us are still terrified of femininity — because we were punished for it.

We flinch when we hear a camp voice.
We mock the guys who wear nail polish or heels.
We say things like "I just can't with drama queens."

Why?

Because once upon a time, someone told you you were "too much".
Too expressive. Too emotional. Too "girly".
So you distanced yourself from the thing they hated — and started hating it in others.

But here's the thing: femininity is not a flaw. It's not a joke. It's not a weakness. It's part of us.

And until we stop punishing each other for being too "soft", too "real", or too "visible"… we'll keep building walls where bridges should be.

The Fatphobia Issue

In the gay world, the worship of abs has become a religion.

You're more likely to be validated for your body than your kindness.
More likely to be matched for your jawline than your joy.

And if you're fat? Or soft? Or even just average?

You're often invisible.

This isn't just cruel. It's dangerous.

Studies show that gay men are disproportionately affected by eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and image-based depression. We call it "body goals". But it's often body shame, painted gold.

We need to start praising comfort over control.
Happiness over hardness.
Warmth over waistlines.

The Race Filter

It's subtle. Sometimes it's blatant.

"No blacks."
"No Asians."
"Only into white guys, sorry."

Imagine reading that as a young gay man of colour.
Imagine still reading it in 2025.

You're not stating a preference. You're declaring supremacy.

Attraction isn't an excuse for racism.
Culture isn't a costume you can swipe past.
And the sooner we start confronting these biases in ourselves — even the hidden ones — the sooner we create a dating world that isn't just sexy, but safe.

Healing the Pattern

So how do we change this?

Here are some real, radical starting points:

1. Audit your dating profile

Check your language. If it excludes, mocks, or filters entire groups — delete it. You can still have standards without being a supremacist.

2. Widen your circles

If everyone you hang out with looks like you, sounds like you, and thinks like you — that's not diversity. That's an echo chamber.

3. Ask yourself the hard questions

• Who taught me this was attractive?

• Why am I uncomfortable with that kind of person?

• What am I afraid people will think if I date someone "outside the norm"?

4. Say something when you hear it

If your friend says, "He's cute, but a bit camp" — ask them what they mean. If they mock someone's body — check them. Silence is complicity.

5. Let love surprise you

Give yourself permission to fall for someone you didn't plan to. Someone your old rules would've filtered out. You might be shocked how much more alive real connection feels than curated "preference".

A Better Dating World is Possible

Imagine a gay dating culture where:

• Fat boys get adored without being fetishised.

• Femme men get loved without being laughed at.

• Men of colour get respected without being tokenised.

• Every body, voice, walk, and way of loving is treated with dignity.

We can create that world.
But it starts with you.
With your preferences. Your swipes. Your jokes. Your mirror.

The most revolutionary thing you can do today… is unlearn who you were told to want — and find who actually makes your soul exhale.

You Are Not Too Much

Whether you're femme, fat, quiet, loud, hairy, soft, sassy, black, brown, bold or bruised — you are not too much.

The people who said that were just too small to hold you.

At GayDatingMatchmaking.com, we're building something bigger.
Not just a place to match — but a place to belong.
Not just romance — but recognition.

Because real love doesn't come with a filter.
And preferences aren't meant to be prisons.

You deserve love that sees you — all of you — and stays.